Forgiving Myself

I think I may have forgiven myself for my responsibility in the car accident involving youth from our church. It's hard to tell for sure, because there wasn't one magical moment when all of a sudden I felt the burden of my guilt float off of my shoulders. But there have been many moments when I've noticed the weight of the load decrease. And I can say now that I'm in a place in the forgiving process in which my burden feels light.

I got to this place of feeling forgiven by being witness to God's reconciliation. Here's how, through Holy Spirit's inspiration, I've seen Jesus reconciling the world to his Father:

First, at the scene of the accident I saw God protecting and caring for us. In the moans coming from the boys in the back seat, Holy Spirit dwelling within them cried out in sighs too deep for words, "Abba! Help us!". A few firefighters and paramedics said that having seen the two cars in the nature of the t-bone collision they were surprised the consequences of life were not much worse. God sustained the structure of my little 1990 Corolla against a 45 MPH impact of a Suburban. God acted through the woman who hit us, manifested in her compassion and concern for our well being. She took off her white glove in -25 degree windchill to help stop one of the boys' bleeding. God acted through the stranger, our good Samaritan, who stopped and offered for us to sit and stay warm in his vehicle. God acted through the police and paramedics who arrived on scene at the blink of an eye. I was so overwhelmed by their care that I thanked the officer when he gave me a citation. God acted through the boys and their parents who remained calm and helped the professionals do their work. Already God was busy reconciling a broken scene of humanity.

The next morning -- before I went to bed -- God spoke to me saying, "seek first my reigning and repent before my congregation." So I did just that, and I saw God's kingdom emerge from the hearts of people I see on a daily basis. Their words of forgiveness, love, and grace began to lift my burden. I knew then that my ministry could continue in partnership with all of them, free from an unspoken elephant of suspicion lurking every time youth are entrusted into my care. God reconciled me in my relationship to the boys and their parents. The depth of their faith was evident in their quickness to forgive. Once I was finally able to speak to the boy who sat behind me and suffered the worst injuries, I asked for his forgiveness and received it from him. Then I felt Jesus opening my own heart to forgive myself.

Last week I wondered how I could forgive myself, and the answer I found is that I can't. What I can do is seek first God's kingdom and it's righteousness, and all the care of my concerns will be granted to me by God. I saw God reigning in the world all around me. I was invited to see Holy Spirit gifting people to follow Jesus in his mission to reconcile the world to his Father.

Forgiveness came to me through God's reconciliation. When I spoke to the boy with the severe injuries, what lifted my burden even more so than his words of forgiveness, was his genuine enthusiasm when I offered to visit him at his house each week to tutor him in the confirmation classes he will miss. In his excitement to spend time together I knew we were in the right relationship of God's righteousness. Shortly after that, word came to me that one of the disciples in our church was organizing a letter writing campaign to the city aldermen and county officials to change the traffic light at the intersection of the accident so that it will be a standard, solid light at all times. It is a dangerous intersection when the light is blinking -- even with fatal accidents in the past. St. Stephen the Martyr is the church in the world participating in Jesus' mission by the power of Holy Spirit to reconcile all things (from relationships to traffic patterns) to our Father.

And finally, I thank you for showering me with emails, cards, phone calls, and even unexpected gifts. You wouldn't leave me alone long enough for me to wallow and beat myself up emotionally. You kept my eyes open to seeking first God's reign. So, I think that I have forgiven myself thanks to all of you, because I am looking forward with excitement to partnering in ministry again; I am looking forward to the future God has in store for us.