Forgiving Myself

I think I may have forgiven myself for my responsibility in the car accident involving youth from our church. It's hard to tell for sure, because there wasn't one magical moment when all of a sudden I felt the burden of my guilt float off of my shoulders. But there have been many moments when I've noticed the weight of the load decrease. And I can say now that I'm in a place in the forgiving process in which my burden feels light.

I got to this place of feeling forgiven by being witness to God's reconciliation. Here's how, through Holy Spirit's inspiration, I've seen Jesus reconciling the world to his Father:

First, at the scene of the accident I saw God protecting and caring for us. In the moans coming from the boys in the back seat, Holy Spirit dwelling within them cried out in sighs too deep for words, "Abba! Help us!". A few firefighters and paramedics said that having seen the two cars in the nature of the t-bone collision they were surprised the consequences of life were not much worse. God sustained the structure of my little 1990 Corolla against a 45 MPH impact of a Suburban. God acted through the woman who hit us, manifested in her compassion and concern for our well being. She took off her white glove in -25 degree windchill to help stop one of the boys' bleeding. God acted through the stranger, our good Samaritan, who stopped and offered for us to sit and stay warm in his vehicle. God acted through the police and paramedics who arrived on scene at the blink of an eye. I was so overwhelmed by their care that I thanked the officer when he gave me a citation. God acted through the boys and their parents who remained calm and helped the professionals do their work. Already God was busy reconciling a broken scene of humanity.

The next morning -- before I went to bed -- God spoke to me saying, "seek first my reigning and repent before my congregation." So I did just that, and I saw God's kingdom emerge from the hearts of people I see on a daily basis. Their words of forgiveness, love, and grace began to lift my burden. I knew then that my ministry could continue in partnership with all of them, free from an unspoken elephant of suspicion lurking every time youth are entrusted into my care. God reconciled me in my relationship to the boys and their parents. The depth of their faith was evident in their quickness to forgive. Once I was finally able to speak to the boy who sat behind me and suffered the worst injuries, I asked for his forgiveness and received it from him. Then I felt Jesus opening my own heart to forgive myself.

Last week I wondered how I could forgive myself, and the answer I found is that I can't. What I can do is seek first God's kingdom and it's righteousness, and all the care of my concerns will be granted to me by God. I saw God reigning in the world all around me. I was invited to see Holy Spirit gifting people to follow Jesus in his mission to reconcile the world to his Father.

Forgiveness came to me through God's reconciliation. When I spoke to the boy with the severe injuries, what lifted my burden even more so than his words of forgiveness, was his genuine enthusiasm when I offered to visit him at his house each week to tutor him in the confirmation classes he will miss. In his excitement to spend time together I knew we were in the right relationship of God's righteousness. Shortly after that, word came to me that one of the disciples in our church was organizing a letter writing campaign to the city aldermen and county officials to change the traffic light at the intersection of the accident so that it will be a standard, solid light at all times. It is a dangerous intersection when the light is blinking -- even with fatal accidents in the past. St. Stephen the Martyr is the church in the world participating in Jesus' mission by the power of Holy Spirit to reconcile all things (from relationships to traffic patterns) to our Father.

And finally, I thank you for showering me with emails, cards, phone calls, and even unexpected gifts. You wouldn't leave me alone long enough for me to wallow and beat myself up emotionally. You kept my eyes open to seeking first God's reign. So, I think that I have forgiven myself thanks to all of you, because I am looking forward with excitement to partnering in ministry again; I am looking forward to the future God has in store for us.

Seeking Forgiveness

Last Saturday night, I was in a car accident. Everyone involved will heal from their injuries. We all can see God's hand protecting us in this tragic experience. But I'm still keeping my eyes open for what God continues to do in our midst after the accident. Indeed, we all feel Holy Spirit's gifts of healing and comfort. Yet as these gifts unfold, I'm thirsting for forgiveness.

You see, I made a judgment error on the road that night. With four boys from our church in my car, I proceeded through an intersection after stopping at a blinking red light, not seeing any cross traffic coming for a while. I didn't realize until after we all climbed out of the car that the cross street only had a blinking yellow. For my mistake, the boys under my care paid the price in the form of bruises, soreness, and broken bones.

I woke up early the next morning to attend both worship services. I wanted to tell the congregation myself about the accident. This isn't something I wanted people to hear through the grape vine. I thought my presence -- though slow and awkward -- would reassure the church that we will be o.k. And more importantly, I wanted to ask for forgiveness. These boys are sons of the congregation; we are all bound together in love as a church family who raises up disciples. My mistake affected everyone who partners with me in ministry, who entrusts the safety of their children to me, who respects me as a responsible leader. So I confessed my sin to the congregation and apologized.

Before I could step away from the microphone, I was already hearing people say, "We forgive you." Following worship, more people than I can count came up to me one by one to express forgiveness, love, grace, and encouragement. Then over the course of the next two days I visited the boys and their parents. They too, were quick to forgive and shared their concern for my well being -- physically and spiritually.

Some people have said to me that I didn't need to apologize to the congregation. But I did. While it's nice to hear people's understanding that accidents happen and as long as everyone will be o.k. then everything else isn't as important, still that's not the same as forgiveness. Only by owning my responsibility and asking for forgiveness could the church be the church. By living in the community of reconciliation, we witness the presence of our risen messiah reconciling all things to his Father. That's the community called and gifted by Holy Spirit, not the spirit of "all's well that ends well."

So as I lay on my couch resting my sore back for the next few days, I see God's reign breaking in all around me through the ministry of the baptized at St. Stephen the Martyr. They have been given the office of the keys, and they're happy to unlock heaven here on earth. My prayer is that I can learn from them, that I can come to forgive myself.

I don't know how to forgive myself. Everytime I receive absolution for my sin from one of the boys and their parents, my heart turns ever more toward forgiving myself. But there is one boy I haven't been able to speak with directly. He's the one who was sitting behind me and suffered the worst injuries. Maybe after I am able to ask him for forgiveness I'll be able to forgive myself. Maybe it will just take me time. Or maybe being surrounded by Jesus' body, broken and given for the sake of the world, will lead me to forgive myself.

If you have any helpful suggestions for self-forgiveness, I'm all ears.

Renouncing Evil

The Three Holy Days were a strange affair in Milwaukee. On Good Friday we watched two breaking live news stories simultaneously. The first was the discovery of the bodies of the two boys missing for a month. Ironically, the sad finding of their bloated bodies from an accidental drowning in a park lagoon offered some relief, as most of us had assumed wrong doing that made us all feel unsafe.

The second story was the verdict in the case of three Milwaukee police officers on trial for the brutal beating of Frank Jude, Jr. The incident occured at one of the officer's homes who hosted a party attended by many cops and civilians. Alledgedly, Mr. Jude attempted to steal a police badge so the three officers (according to their own testimony) placed themselves on duty despite the fact they had been drinking, and proceded to beat Mr. Jude nearly to death. Witnesses say that up to a dozen officers were kicking Mr. Jude while he lay on the ground. The doctor who examined him later said that he suffered the worst ear damage that doctor had ever seen as a result of objects being jammed into his ears.

Well, that's what most of us thought had happened. Most of us in the community expected an easy verdict of guilty. But that is not how an all white jury saw what happened that night between the three white officers and the biracial victim. Apparently the all white jury thought the assault-fairy beat the man nearly to death without anyone actually touching him. Amazingly only the civilians at the party saw anything happen. Those trained to fight crime were "unaware" of any comotion. Once officers showed up at the scene in response to a call, they had trouble making the other "on duty" officers stop beating the man. In the end, nine officers were fired and no one was talking.

I spent Holy Saturday angry and perturbed. Is this justice? Is this the "justice" of Jesus' own trial being exercised in 2006? Apparently Jim Crow didn't die in the sixties. He just moved to Milwaukee. Our city is ripe with racial tension, and the Milwaukee Police Department is its own worst enemy for gaining the public's trust to be part of the solution. While I was shocked by this verdict, most people who have lived in Milwaukee for some time were not surprised, because they've seen it time and time again.

Then during the Easter Vigil, my emotions changed. The pastor began the litany: do you renounce the forces of evil? And I responded, "I renounce them." My own voice echoed in my ears: "I RENOUNCE THEM!" My anger subsided and I was filled with hope, a hope that made me impatient to begin acting for justice.

The next morning, on Monday, I joined pastors from around the city in a prayer vigil and call to action located on the steps of St. Benedict's Church across the street from the county courthouse. The local media captured images of my wife and I holding hands in prayer with people of all races. Together, we demanded that our political leaders change police policy that enables cover-ups and codes of silence, that federal civil rights charges be brought upon the officers, and we introduced people in the city to our local hotline to report police brutality.

The next morning, on Tuesday, I skipped my ethics class in order to do ethics. My wife, my three year old daughter and myself joined over 3,000 of our neighbors in a march from the county courthouse to the federal court building, again demanding that federal charges be brought against the officers. Cameras for the evening news captured my daughter "marching" on my shoulders -- seeking justice for all people of every age, color, creed, and neighborhood. We taught her the reason we were marching in words that a three year old could repeat, breaking down the complex issues of systemic racism to the simple phrase: "We want Milwaukee to be a nice place for everybody." And repeat them she did, over and over. That evening she wanted us to play "march" and led us in shouting "No Justice! No Peace!"

Obviously, I'm not saying all police are bad. There's only a few bad apples. But the system is broken. Justice is not served. And the hope of Jesus' resurrection makes us impatient for the justice of his shalom. Despite the obvious injustices surrounding us, we are called to participate in the transformation of shalom -- not only despite these injustices, but more acurately "through" them.

Amoral Christians

I've never cared much for the study of ethics, particularly the brand called "Christian ethics". The problem for me is that every time I've studied the subject, it has been presented to me as a discipline in and of itself apart from theology. For example, for my Moral Theology class I am reading again Robin Lovin's book Christian Ethics: An Essential Guide. He begins by talking about the "good life" and the "goods" that Christians seek to attain. He includes stories of Jesus' life and teachings and how they direct the discipline of Christian ethics. And he suggests that Christians are guided in their ethical decisions by values such as "stewardship" and "community".

Now, I don't disagree with any of this. I just think it's missing the point. It seems to put the cart before the horse. How do we come up with these goods and values? We need Jesus to be more than a model or a teacher. We first must speak of the source and framework of Christian ethics, namely the revelation of the triune God through Jesus who draws us into shalom through his life, death, resurrection, and ascension. This is our story, or rather this is God's story that creates a new reality in which we play the role of essential characters. We are the heralds, the newsies, the field correspondents, the play-by-play announcers. We discern and witness the triune God's transformative activity in our world. We anticipate the culmination of shalom by participating in it's inauguration. We tell the story of faith.

The faith we are called to pass on is our witness to Jesus' resurrection, his cosmic messiahship, the in-breaking of his reign. Yet it has been said by some analysts that the "faith" we actually pass on to the next generation of disciples is actually nothing more than deistic-therapeutic-moralism. I think that part of this has to do with the way we understand Christian ethics. Rather than a separate volume or a distinct chapter within systematic theology, ethics should be located throughout each locus of one's system, because each doctrine of the church when properly articulated points to our destiny in shalom in which we are presently called to participate.

In my ministry as a discipleship coach, I am currently wrestling with a practical symptom of this egregious error in Christian ethics. Since I began this ministry in the middle of the year, I inherited some helpful and some not-so-helpful resources for family ministry. One that falls under the latter description was a series of DVDs featuring the youth minister from Saddleback Church called "Revolution". This series has its ups and downs. But overall it presents many of the tough situations with which teens struggle in a moralistic, law-oriented way and applies biblical prooftexts to teach viewers how a Christian ought to handle various situations. Each of the personal testimonies given by young people talk about how they struggled with a serious problem but then got saved or recommitted themselves to God and now everything is hunky doory.

Completely absent from these videos is the story of shalom revealed in Jesus that provides us a framework within which we can navigate the treacherous white-waters of reality. So my task now is to reframe these DVD presentations with the hope we sinners have in the gospel of our cosmic Messiah that refuses to be contained by any moral code. This is what shapes us as Christians -- not rules, or goods, or goals, or virtues, or purpose-driven moralism.

In fact, I think we can go so far as to say Jesus wants his followers to be amoral, to live beyond the realm in which pre-packaged moral judgments apply, to embrace reality without any one particular code of moral conduct equipped only with the hope of shalom yet to be fulfilled but already transforming us all. This is how Jesus formed a community of disciples within Israel. And this is how the Jewish movement sparked by Jesus' resurrection spread the good news to the Gentiles. You say you want a revolution?

Well, this is the revolution the young disciples at St. Stephen the Martyr will come to know. By spending one Sunday a month reframing the "Revolution" DVDs into the story of shalom, we are preparing to launch a monthly Bible study next fall called Revolution that will story people in the revelation of our triune God. Teens will come to see how amoral and rebellious Jesus was and continues to be, and they will be invited to join his Revolution already transforming the world.