Seeking Forgiveness

Last Saturday night, I was in a car accident. Everyone involved will heal from their injuries. We all can see God's hand protecting us in this tragic experience. But I'm still keeping my eyes open for what God continues to do in our midst after the accident. Indeed, we all feel Holy Spirit's gifts of healing and comfort. Yet as these gifts unfold, I'm thirsting for forgiveness.

You see, I made a judgment error on the road that night. With four boys from our church in my car, I proceeded through an intersection after stopping at a blinking red light, not seeing any cross traffic coming for a while. I didn't realize until after we all climbed out of the car that the cross street only had a blinking yellow. For my mistake, the boys under my care paid the price in the form of bruises, soreness, and broken bones.

I woke up early the next morning to attend both worship services. I wanted to tell the congregation myself about the accident. This isn't something I wanted people to hear through the grape vine. I thought my presence -- though slow and awkward -- would reassure the church that we will be o.k. And more importantly, I wanted to ask for forgiveness. These boys are sons of the congregation; we are all bound together in love as a church family who raises up disciples. My mistake affected everyone who partners with me in ministry, who entrusts the safety of their children to me, who respects me as a responsible leader. So I confessed my sin to the congregation and apologized.

Before I could step away from the microphone, I was already hearing people say, "We forgive you." Following worship, more people than I can count came up to me one by one to express forgiveness, love, grace, and encouragement. Then over the course of the next two days I visited the boys and their parents. They too, were quick to forgive and shared their concern for my well being -- physically and spiritually.

Some people have said to me that I didn't need to apologize to the congregation. But I did. While it's nice to hear people's understanding that accidents happen and as long as everyone will be o.k. then everything else isn't as important, still that's not the same as forgiveness. Only by owning my responsibility and asking for forgiveness could the church be the church. By living in the community of reconciliation, we witness the presence of our risen messiah reconciling all things to his Father. That's the community called and gifted by Holy Spirit, not the spirit of "all's well that ends well."

So as I lay on my couch resting my sore back for the next few days, I see God's reign breaking in all around me through the ministry of the baptized at St. Stephen the Martyr. They have been given the office of the keys, and they're happy to unlock heaven here on earth. My prayer is that I can learn from them, that I can come to forgive myself.

I don't know how to forgive myself. Everytime I receive absolution for my sin from one of the boys and their parents, my heart turns ever more toward forgiving myself. But there is one boy I haven't been able to speak with directly. He's the one who was sitting behind me and suffered the worst injuries. Maybe after I am able to ask him for forgiveness I'll be able to forgive myself. Maybe it will just take me time. Or maybe being surrounded by Jesus' body, broken and given for the sake of the world, will lead me to forgive myself.

If you have any helpful suggestions for self-forgiveness, I'm all ears.