I HAVE TO TELL YOU!

Jesus healed me!!!

Here's how it went down:

You may have noticed that I haven't written in a long time, except for one post on Obama which took me like 5 hours to write. Well, it's no secret to people who know me that I live with depression. And in January, I bottomed out big time. Couldn't get off the couch if the house was on fire. That gave me a lot of time to pray for healing, except that I couldn't even form thoughts in my brain. I couldn't read, couldn't have a conversation, couldn't even cross the street safely. So I trusted that the Holy Spirit within me cried out in sighs too deep for words.

By the second day, I was seeking medical help. And over the next couple of months my doctor put me on various meds and increased my dosage. My friends and family surrounded me with support and care. Especially my wife. She's amazing. Each day I saw a litle bit more progress toward healing. But I couldn't get over the hump.

Then a copule months ago I started weekly sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy. My therapist, Sarah, worked with me on identifying my 'hot thought', which is one of those automotic tape recordings in my head that is associated with my periods of depression. We discovered that my hot thought was vocational crises...times when the vision Jesus was calling me toward wasn't jiving with my present experience.

I was first diagnosed with depression my senior year of undergrad. I was already accepted into seminary and was able to coast in school. (My friends will tell you though that my senioritis began my sophomore year of high school and hasn't left me yet.) Then during my second masters program, I fell into depression for a few days when I had finished my classes and had to buckle down to finish writing my thesis -- delaying ordintation once again. And now this time, I had just finished my course work in my Ph.D. program. I finished up a 10 day mission trip to New Orleans with 37 young adults, and then returned home to finish one last paper incomplete from last term.

The common thread, or hot thought, with all of these episodes is that I am able to sprint marathon after marathon, but when I come to an inbetween time when I can pause to take a breath then my body crashes and forces me to rest. When this period of rest corresponds with a vocational crises, the bottom drops out from underneath me and my system crashes.

In this case, I had just returned from being on cloud nine: serving people in need, networking with new friends, and discipling people in a postmodern culture. I was feeling affirmed in my gifts and in my theological ideas for ministry. Here I was, still working my way toward a degree and delaying ordination, but I was already doing the things the degree was supposed to be enabling me to do. So I thought, argh, I don't need to be studying at Marquette any more if I can already do what I'm called to do. I knew that finishing my studies at Marquette is vital to my long term call, but with much frustration I've been experiencing with the program, I wasn't feeling God's presence at Marquette day to day.

To make a long story short, my hot thought was that I wasn't seeing Jesus at Marquette. Sarah asked me to think about how I could reframe that hot thought. And so at the very next Thirst event, which was last Tuesday, I was sharing my journey about therapy and reframing my hot thought. Then one by one, everyone else started sharing their own stories of wanting to reframe aspects of their life in which, like me, they know in faith Jesus is present but we just weren't seeing him.

So then we turn to Luke 24 and read the story of two men walking to Emmaus. They meet a man on the road whom they don't recognize. He tells them why according to Moses and the prophets the messiah must suffer, die and rise to new life. Then when they reach their destination, they recognize this stranger to be Jesus. He had reframed their entire story and now they could see how he was walking with them all along.


As we talked about how we heard Holy Spirit reframing our own journies that night at Thirst, I heard Jesus reframe my story.

My depression tells me that Jesus isn't at Marquette, so I should stay in my cave, lying on my couch and not go to campus. But the two times when I went to campus this semester, I saw Jesus. The first time, I sat in my history prof's office and we talked about depression and therapy; he offered me grace and compassion; and wow, I saw Jesus clear as day sitting in his office. Then a few weeks ago, I went to a meeting for students to learn how to prepare for our doctoral comps, and as soon as I entered the room three people came up to me and said 'hey Kev, haven't seen you in a while. Are things alright with you?' Yep, saw Jesus in that room too.

Hmm... my depression tells me don't go to campus or study theology because Jesus isn't there. BUT, everytime I go to campus and read or discuss theology I've seen Jesus bright as the sun. AHA! Therefore, my depression lies to me.

Satan is the father of lies . . . and so as quickly as you can turn on a light switch, I was healed of my depression that night at Thirst. I've been back to myself everyday since then: high energy, critical reasoning, creativity, itch to write.

It's good to be back with you all. Praise Jesus.

Image 1: {http://www.catecheticsonline.com/forum/index.php?automodule=gallery&req=si&img=70}

Image 2: {http://mitpress.mit.edu/catalog/item/default.asp?ttype=2&tid=11057}

Image 3: (c) Kevan Penvose www.brewcitythirst.org